L's Rant
by Akito The Sex Goddess
Summary: These are Death Note rants about why each character thinks the world should be like him or her. Please review! Rated M due to language. Maybe some suggestive themes.
1. L's Rant

Everyday at 4:38 I find myself sitting at my desk behind a mountain of paperwork. Pencils scattered about, papers unevenly stacked as high as Aizawa got at the Christmas party last year... Some call me unorganized, but I have a very surprisingly neat way of putting things away. My pencils always go at a 47 degree angle 14 centimeters and three millimeters, the precise length of my favorite red pen, away from my notepad, which I conveniently place seven millimeters from the top right corner of my desk in both directions. The way I do things is a lot different from what most people would call "normal", but I guess that makes me who I am. Some may call me crazy, but that is just "my way". Raito asked one day, "why do you hold your spoon so strangely?" The answer is simple. The way he uses his spoon, grasping it with three fingers; the index, the middle, and the thumb, which I suppose is not a finger, but that isn't the point, which is considered to be the "correct" way of holding a spoon, is improper, as I see it. I only hold a spoon, using my index and thumb, may seem "strange" but is the way to use your spoon with only the necessary fingers. If we went along in life using more than we needed- say, filling up the gas tank of our car until it overflowed, or ate two hamburgers when you could have easily gotten by with one, then we would end up overweight and insufficient of our financial needs. Another thing that some people say I do strangely is that I sit on my chair with my knees pressed against my chest, my feet gripping the seat below me. I do this simply because if I did not, my attentiveness would go down 40. If the whole world went down 40 in attentiveness from where they stand, they would find themselves inconsiderate, incredibly stupid, mentally ill, as well as being overweight, and insufficient of their financial needs. I think that doing things the way I do things would make our world smarter, better at listening, fit, healthy, and rich. This all is why the world should be more like me. Thank you for listening.

This is a random idea that I had... it's nothing really special. Just a weird idea that came up as I was writing... I was making a detective story, believe it or not! Anyway, I guess it turned into L ranting about how the world should act like him. Don't ask, it was just a random idea. I read it to my friend and she said that I should post it, so I am! I'd like reviews to know if its stupid or if I should make more. Thank you!


	2. Mello's Rant

I have to disagree with L's statement. Not because he's wrong or anything, but more because I think people should be more like _me_. As you may know, I have an...obsession, with chocolate. Unhealthy, some may call it, but I think it is actually quite the opposing. You've probably heard it in the news, or maybe from someone on the street, but nowadays it is known that chocolate can be very healthy for you when taken in consideration. And if one eats dark chocolate as compared to milk chocolate, you can consume a lot more with the same health effects, whether they be good, or bad. Chocolate is a very delicious snack that can have health benefits. You wouldn't think so, but things with cocoa in them, such as dark chocolate bars or a more natural, being organic as such, type of brownie, can have good nutrients to help with growing and sustain a healthy immune system. I consume more chocolate than most in a day, and look at me. I'm thin, fit, healthy, strong, despite my chocolate consumption. And another thing, look at _L_. He eats nothing but sweets, even on Thanksgiving. From Jell-o to caramel, ice cream to sugar cubes, cookies to cupcakes, and everything in between, but he's as thin as a twig. Sure, he may not _look_ like the healthiest guy in the world, but despite his appearance, he _is_ pretty healthy. I haven't seen him get sick _once_, and I _grew up_ with him. Anyway, my conclusion is that eating chocolate, and other sweets, can be healthy if taken into moderation. And have you noticed that people get automatically happy once they get candy? If your baby nephew skinned his knee, give him some chocolate and its all sugar plums and fairies from then on. Chocolate makes the world a better, sweeter place. So that is why the world should be more like _me_. Thank you.

**Here is my Mello rant that I did on request. Thank you, Kiri-Ayri Rush! I take all requests, people! Review!**


	3. Hiatus

**Sorry, but the rants will be on a short hiatus. Since I got a request to write three of them (Raito, Matt, and Matsuda) It'll be a while before I upload them. That, and I really don't have muse nowadays to write Death Note. So, please be patient, and read my other stories until I get these updated! My story Deliverance just released its final chapter, and Between is on its third chapter! Have fun, and wait for the new chapter! It won't be a very long wait, I promise!**


	4. Matt's Rant

**WARNING: This advertises smoking, which I think is very, VERY bad! But it was a request, so I had to take it. DON'T SMOKE! It kills! I know this goes against what Matt will say in the next paragraph or so, but do NOT start smoking because of it! Tobacco of any kind causes cancer! I should know- my own dad chewed tobacco, but he quit! Now his teeth look a lot better, he doesn't smell as bad (yes, AS bad XD) and he'll probably live a lot longer, and cancer-free! Do NOT smoke, people. I just had to warn you. Smoking is a disgusting and vile thing. It doesn't just kill you, it kills other people, too. It starts up asthma as well. Believe me, any time I go into a bar with smoking allowed I get really, really sick. So please, if you don't care what happens to you, at least care about other people. Thank you for reading. **

L's and Mello's rants are ludicrous statements and I won't stand for them. Eating chocolate and using two fingers to hold a spoon? What small things in life these people care about. I think that popping in a cigarette is the best way to go. Come on, there's so much for you. What's cooler than a little cigarette laying on the corner of your mouth? Smoking kills, what a crock. So do murderers. Only murder is illegal. Smoking is not. What's gonna cause more damage?You can stop selling cigarettes to good folk who just want to crave their addiction, but you won't stop selling guns to crazies. The government is fucked up, I tell you. Smoking makes you look good and feel good too. So they say smoking kills, but it takes a while. You can die from lung cancer or whatnot when you're like 60. Who wants to live that long anyway? I say enjoy your primes and then you die. That's the best way to go. Don't care about the petty things like holding spoons or eating that chocolate shit... About that. Chocolate causes obesity, which can also cause death by diabetes and things. Even L said that obesity is bad. What would you rather do, die looking old, fat, and ugly? Or die looking cool? I think of smoking as taking a risk. Who doesn't want a little risk in their lives? Sure, it isn't skydiving or anything, but it sure as hell is "dangerous", according to that damn Surgeon General. Shouldn't he be cutting open some people or in the army? Stick to one job, man, don't advertise shit. Anyway, thanks for listening. Oh yeah, and video games are a good thing, too. Hand-eye coordination, people. Hand-eye coordination.

Anyway, thanks again for listening to my opinion. See ya.

**AGAIN, DON'T SMOKE! But video games are fine. XD Just not obsessively. Anyway, thanks for reading! Just DON'T smoke! I repeat, DON'T smoke! Don't say I didn't warn you.**


	5. Matsuda's Rant

Oh no... Three bad messages have gotten out to people! Please, don't listen to Matt, L, or Mello! They are all advertising very, _very_ bad habits! Eating candy is not good for you at _all_! Too much sugar can cause a lot of things, like diabetes, or... something! Smoking gives you cancer, bad teeth, bad breath, and it can kill others, too! Please, listen to what I have to say!

My name is Matsuda, and I think that the best way to go in life is to be happy. Of course, there are some things you can't be happy about, like a loved one dieing, or getting plagued with a fatal disease, but to every cloud, there is a silver lining! Even something depressing as your best friend dieing can be turned around to be a good thing. Your friend died, yes. Will it be hard, yes. But, would it be harder for your friend to be living here than in heaven? Maybe unseen to you, but suppose her father molested her every day! Now she is in a much better place- up in heaven with God!

Even if I'm feeling down, it's my goal to be remembered as the one who could brighten up anyone's day, even if I can't brighten up my own! What's better than seeing someone with a smile on your face. You can't help but smile right back at them. Sometimes, even if it seems that the whole world is against you, if you just _think_ about a smile plastered on someone's face, that someone may just be you.

Being happy also has health benefits. They say laughter is the best medicine! About the terminal disease... If you had spinocerebellar ataxis, for example, (if you don't know what that is, watch "One Liter of Tears"... True story!) you may feel like the loneliest person in the world. But if someone tells you a joke, that all goes away in an instant! And if you were to die the very next day, at least you would have died _happy_.

The point is, try to make yourself happy, even in the worst situations. And if you can't, at least try to make someone else smile. Doing _that_ can make _you_ happy, too! There are four words I'd like to say to you all... _Don't worry, be happy._

**There! I finally made Matsuda's rant!... Onto Raito's! .**


	6. Misa's Rant

HAHAHAHA I'M DUMB!


	7. Light's Rant

_I bet none of you realized I was supposed to write Light's before Misa's. Hahahaha. And if you did, fuck you. _

_xxx_

Now, some people would say murder is a _bad_ thing but I, on the other hand, think-

Okay did you seriously think that's where I was going with this? Asshole.

Anyway, the thing is, no matter what you do, whether it's killing people by writing their name in a book like me, or doing lame police-y stuff on a police squad like my dad, or by being a nerd (you know who you are ^_~), or being sexy like that girl whose name I forget...you know the blond one...Ah w/e. Anyway, whatever you're doing, you gotta look good doing it. Because if you're ugly, you might as well be dead.

That is all.

_xxx_

_I don't really feel that way btw. *ugly and proud*_


End file.
